kho21

I like explosions, too bad no one woke me up to hear the shock waves. I was fast asleep.
Anyway in other news, I'm much more content with my life again. Funny how life seems hopeful again when my pc is broken and I wake up before the sun sets and seeing daylight again for the first times in three weeks. I've also done some Xmas shoppin this week. Spent almost 200 quid. Thats the downside to going back to normal life again is that it always seems to involve spending large sums of money. But hey its the season. Anyway I gotto get my pc fixed asap as my dissertation is on there and I have a mid-project report to hand in at the beginning of next semester. Might have a little more meaning if I actually had done some work. Anyway life is great and everyday is a new day. Just gotto get out there and make something out of each and everyday. People are always waiting for life to drop something in their laps. Waiting is the problem life seems to drop things close by but you gotto get your arse up and go out and get it. Meh might be talking crap but it sounds about right. Think positive. Be positive and you will attract positive things...take care.

When was it suddenly december!?!?!

Just looked up and the entry date is gonna be december. Doesn't time fly?.
Which is what this entry is gonna be about. "time".
Always love the films about time travel and the paradoxes of time. From our understanding of time its linear and travels only in one direction. Now here is the mindf*k. Time is only a concept. Like much of reality. Only time is the one thing we've never been able to manipulate in one form or another. (Unless you sleep as much as I do and then your "concept" of time is relatively short.) ok I'm sidetracking. What I'm trying to say is that everything we do every waking moment of our lives is to do with time travelling in one direction. Our technology is based on the concept that time is linear. Our technology depends on time. Every chip every circuit, our fundamental understanding of science is based on our concept of time. Our entire evolution was based on the concept of.. yup time.
So here we are sending our time based radio signals into space waiting for a time based response from ("our time" based) aliens. We humans are stupid. Someone should start working on non-time based technology and maybe we might get somewhere on this time travel thing.

I'm bored.
I'm just complaining cos I'm leaving my final year project til the last minute again. Wish I had a time machine...

The concious mind when not entertained is torturous. Have you ever been so bored that your brain can't even think of anything to keep itself entertained that it starts ticking over the things that have been bothering you the most. Next thing you kno you can't sleep becos your brain just goes over and over and over the same things which gets you worked up and stressed. THen you Can't sleep for the rest of the night because this fucking thing that is just bothering you and you just can't think of anything else?
Exactly why I'm still awake at 4:30 in the fucking morning. I went to bed 2 and a half hours ago.

Three entries in the last week!! the lack of anyone to talk to is starting to take its toll aswel and it seems that live journal is my only source of outlet. If I didn't type something I don't think I could sleep tonight.

"demons in my head as I'm lying wide awake"

I always start of energetic in my entries and by the end of it I can never be arsed.
So I'm just gonna try and keep it short and sweet.
Am bored. need a change. Think I'm reaching that point in my life where I gotto re invent myself. Try something new. Anyone else get that? at some point in your life you just gotto have a change and go from one extreme to the other. Think I'm there.
I need a change. or I don't think I'll live to see 24. The quiet and settled down lifestyle just isn't for me at the moment. Its the prime of our youths. Now I'm not gonna become a coke addict or anything. Just wanna be more confident, more assertive and miles more fun to be with, flirt more, be the centre of attention. Would be nice to be funny too. Well its something to work on... take a moment and think about what you would rather be more of.

Behold!! I've come to express myself once again! Like the new theme by the way? I thought it might be more relaxing and put everyone in a more creative mindset. Anyway I thought I'd do it to get my creative fluids going where-ever they are in my anatomy.

So instead of typing out crap about how crap my life is and doo dar I thought I'd write something more ... erm... creative. Actually it's just a more creative way of saying how life is crap and "doo dar".

I just read somewhere on the web wide world that to be a good programmer one has to be a good writer. After all programming is just expressing ones self in another language. A programming language interestingly enough. Being the person that I am, cold, withdrawn and inable to express or convey... well anything really, I thought I might try and start here. Like right here, now.

I'm not clever and I'm not that funny (I am on the inside), but aparently I got everything wrong. I decided to drop english and english lit because I thought it was boring! Now hasn't that decision returned and taken a bite out of my rear end? Some people go as far as not to employ any programmer who cannot write or convey a concise written personal statement. Wow I thought. I'm totally and royally screwed. It was only yesterday when I was telling Stuart that a good programmer can earn about 60k/yr. That to me is a place far far away. I'll be lucky if I'll earning a quarter of that. So here I am learning to write and to write well, which only comes with experience, apparently. I hate to say this but maybe I need a few lessons from Andy! Gasp! Maybe we should just swap careers. As in you having studied English for so long (not the teaching). Whereas I spent the last 3 years figuring out that I coulda done my course in half the time and at half the expense. Annoying isn't it?

No longer do I view programming as a language that is something that makes computers work but more as another form of writing. Which is a bummer because I don't write so well. Which might explain why my programming sucks. I lack the finesse and "art" that can only be found in the text of a good novel. Fuck. Even now as I type I got this poncy posh english accent narrating in my head. I want to be a good programmer someday so that I'll be employed let alone earning so damn much money. It seems as tho this might be the starting point of my career. Something that I've been avoiding all my life. Could this be the end of life as I know it? Oh well no loss there.

By the way we all need to meet up more often. It was nice just chatting about crap again. Crap being our lives and how crap it is. Thats all for now. I'll find something to write about soon.
*Cough* WattaloadofbullfuckinIhatethiscrap!!

Hey peeps. Long time no erm updates.

Been really antisocial lately. Been on a path of self discovery.
Guess what I found. Lifes kinda boring.

Seriously. Been just been at home working for parents loads and avoiding my project supervisor for the project I'm supposed to be doing which I'm kinda not. Yet. Kinda stressed. But kinda amused aswel.

Anyway just looking for things to do. Except I don't really want to do anything. Just wanna have fun!. Havn't had fun for so long.

Anyway hope everyone is still alive. Doing good things and enjoying life.

Catcha you all later.

Remember people life is good.

I seem to go missing for many days at a time when I'm home. Probably because I've rediscovered the joy of television and spend many hours switching my brain off. Thanks to this I have now lost 33 IQ points and I'm still more itelligent than the average Chavo. Hehe. Anyway it's great to be home again many things to do lot of things to see. Like Chav girls pushing prams with delinquent babies who have no future. Shame.

Although the novelty is starting to wear a bit thin now and for the first time since I've been back I'm actually bored of t.v. Thanks to TMF channels show "Serial daters" I finally remembered that there are women in the real world and I've got no time to waste to not meet them all. However having said that I still have many "man plans" to dabble in sorry but women just aren't one of my priorities. In the last few weeks I've been trying to study poker and I've seem to have developed a few skills that has made me home poker champion having won 5 out of 8 games on an all night tournament woohoo. So that was fun.

Moving on... my Exam results came through the other day and I did alright. 64.5% avg placing me in a solid 2:1 position. Still got to retake my final year project (which I flunked in February) in order to obtain my degree by Xmas.

Still havn't moved all my crap back from uni so there are a few more trips I have to make to Guildford. Although most of my friends there seems to have fallen out with each other and have since gone awol. So no more hanging out in Guildford for awhile then.

So I'm back in Stevo for a awhile until the End of June that is when I go on "Holiday" I say that becos my sister and parents have been trying to get me to go for a few years now. It's definately not one of the places I had in mind to visit as a holiday destination. In fact it's probably one of my least favourite destinations I've ever visited. I espeicially don't like the idea that I have to spend a week with my dads family who are a bunch of Gambling Crackheads who have been leaching off this family ever since my dad moved to the country. Grrr.

However I'm looking forward to Hong Kong. I've had a few of friends go out and they've only had good things to say about it so I might fall in love with the place and make it a regular travel destination. Who knows...

I miss snow...

Anyway enough crap from me hope to see y'all about.

First of all. Exams are over. Yes Exams are finally over. But i havn't graduated, cos I havn't done a final year project yet. Fuck.

So I've finished uni (kinda) and still waiting to get a degree. So what to do in the mean time!? Ahhh you see this is where it gets interesting.

Not a student anymore but not yet ready to get a career in the area of expertise that I've chosen. Therefore DOS TIME. Time to fill in the things I've shoulda done but didn't.

So heres the list:

1)Get LAid. <- been a student for 3 years and couldn't bring myself to sleep with anyone. Parents think I'm gay my sister says I'm too picky. When you only want to sleep with nothing less than a "Jessica Alba" my sister might be right. Oh well.

2)Learn to ride a motorcycle - itching to get a motorcycle since I was 18 but was too young to do a direct access course which you can't do til your 21. (Which I am now.)

3)Learn to sing - Yes like properly learn to sing. People have said I'm quite a good singer. I think I've got potential but I struggle when singing to other people. Think I've got a lot to learn about singing. (Anyone know a hot female singing instructor?)

4)Get a new electric guitar (Ibanez SA320X). About time I got one that sounds good.

5)Replace my bedside table with a new Orange Amp.

6)Rock out to some greenday songs and experiment with one written by us. (All welcome to join in some form of jamming on one condition that you all try to sing. It'll be fun.)

7)... Kinda run out of things at the moment. The list of things are things I want to do as soon as I get back from China (End of July). Other things I want to do over the next 5 years however:

Build a car (VW 1969 Beetle conversion baja bug), Learn to swim, Learn to Sail, Do lots and lots of snowboarding, and Paintball lots and lots, get really really good at poker, get really good at socialising, make connections in high places...

Err thats about it really. Not much. It's all very much character building.

I want dreams like stu's.

First of all, Andy's Rocked!
Don't remember much of it. Can't be helped. But the photos are er.. disturbing?

Will get them to people in a coupla weeks. Kinda busy with those things that make people bored.
Y'know those stupid things where to you have to sit in silence and write a load of shit about how much you can remember from the nite before. LOL livejournal. No I mean Exams!

Hopefully after those things life will be a big party. I doubt it. But would be nice to be home amongst friends for the summer tho :D. Lets learn a few songs, pretend we can sing. Get famous. etc etc.

Gonna state a hypothesis, the further your away from home the happier your life is. Hmmm...
Nah. But at least Hels is enjoying life. Unlike this miserable bastard.

Wanna do something guys.
"Gonna Get My-Self Ah-rested!!!"

Hmweh. Chattin random shit now. Ha! you just lost 27 seconds of your life. How do you feel now!? STupiD. Now your never gonna get those 27 seconds of your life back.

Bye.

If you havn't heard already my life is currently so boring I want to become Andy.

When I first thought about being a student I thought ~Engeering that meant Labs. Computers. Alcohol. Women. Blowing shit up. Fast cars. Great time. What I didn't expect instead were these long drawn out bits of absolute boredom. Broken up by random bit of drunkeness and an annoying piece of work for this pointless degree. Being drunk has its quirks but leaves me deeply unsatisfied and very hungover. I need to be satisfied. I want to live fast die young. I suppose if you live slow you probably want to kill yourself anyway...

I'm so bored of not doing anything. I should do my uni work but it is so fucking tedious.
I just want to blow shit up. Timers, radio transceivers and a little home made semtex in a bin full of sand in an appropiate safety environment. Not sitting here reading tips on how to improve concentration and motivation. Which I only got half through before sinking into another daydream got up and did something else for 3 hours before remembering what I was originally doing. Wished I had Attention.deficit.disorder. might make life more interesting.

Went out the other day with Stu and Andy which was nice. Love them guys. Missed Lee. But hes hardcore working man with a cold. Doh. Saw Ben Moir. Who is a lot taller than I remember him being. Was cool to see him again. Still hate stevenage tho.

I need to do something constructive with my life. Make a difference. Mean something. If I sit around and do nothing for the rest of my life I'm gonna be so angry at myself when I'm dead.

Not another boring entry. Doh.

Its got to a point where I don't even wake up anymore cos I just don't have anything to look foward to.
...
...
Hm.
Death by boredom.
Maybe I should hit the gym tmr.
All this lazing around can't be good for the body.
...
...
...
Laters folks.

I'm sitting in the garden. Been in my student home all day on my own.
I look up, I see the blue sky, pretty clouds and a light breeze hits me. Suddenly my mind rushes back to being at home summers 2001/2002.

The days where I was sitting in my car listening to the radio in the leisure park staring at the cloudless blue sky, and then the hill and bench just outside of barclay sitting on the grass on a hot summer's day with cathy, then to brazil on the longest hike I've ever made on the most beautiful of days. And to the playground where we used to play football. Then it occurred to me.

Back then,

I had real friends.

Although I always said to myself I hated sixth with a vengence. It never occurred to me how real everything seemed back then. How great it was not to worry about pleasing people and making new friends that you could just sit back and not have to worry about what people thought of you as you just knew that they were there for you, because of who you are.

Today however paints an entirely different picture. Friends who don't really know who you are and only being the nicest of guys just to fit in and to make life easier. And then it dawns on me that the last three years have been brutal agony. Being alone at uni this last week has taught me one thing.

I'm not happy here.

I've lost my self respect cos I havn't been honest with the people around me. Most of all I havn't been honest with myself. Living a lie is killing me. So maybe it's time for a change, cos if it doesn't? I'm actually scared of what I might do, burning the house down seems to be such an appealing thought.

I hope the people pleasing kho is dies. And the fearless man who used to not give a fuck returns from the grave.

One can only hope.
Take one thing from this entry. No matter who you are talking to. Who you are with. Be yourself. Don't try to live a lie. Its just not worth it.

Kho.

After last night's drunken episode I was pretty sure I wasn't gonna get out of bed this morning. Complete opposite happened. Was Randomly wide awake at 7:15am and lie there thinking "if I get up now what will I do to kill time before my 9'oclock lecture that I've never made it to so far in the 5 weeks I've meant to have been there". Got bored of lying in bed and had a post drunk shower which was really refreshing. Probably one of the longest showers I've ever had. 25 minutes later and I'm looking for clean clothes. Dressed. Edited my last Journal post, bleeped out all the swearing and deleted the embarassing confessions i had made in my drunken emotional state that I was in. Then put my snowboard jacket on and left at 8:40 for my 9'oclock lecture. I woulda fallen asleep in my lecture tho if it wasn't for the PRO PLUS in my system. Dull as hell got home feeling more tired than I had felt the previous night. Faught with sleep for awhile. Everything during that period is a blank. I think I spent a few hours doing programming work. Then we (the housemates and i) watched the latest episode of 24. By now it was 12:30pm. Then I did more work til Housemate's hot friend came round. Didn't stick around tho the company seemed alittle cock-heavy `0ne girl three guys trying to impress her. I left for tesco. Bought some lunch, housemate's friend a toothbruth?. And then went back to doing this work. I'm surprised how much time I've been spending doing work today. Although I have spent more time teaching what I have done to other people who are also doing this assignment. Then I watched the latest episodes of Simpsons. The recent stuff is amazingly random. Can't remember the last time I laughed so loud. By now it's 7:30 and I said I'd meet some people at the gym for 8. Did a workout and got back around 10. Lots of fit women at the gym these days...must know I'm back at the gym. ;o) but yeah got checked out by some females... and some males which I don't really understand. Got back home. Cooked some food, ate. Did alittle more work and voila. We are here. Suffice to say I feel like I've had a pretty good day. I forget how much you can do in a day if you don't sleep through most of it. Hopefully I'll be able to keeps this up. Laters.

So yes! 5 pints of snakebite and anyone'll be *BLEEPED OUT* up like me, but I'm sick to death of being single. Not one girl, not one, that I am interested in is interested in me. Thats *BLEEPED OUT* up. I'm told I'm a pretty good looking guy, so why the *BLEEPED OUT* can't I get a decent girlfriend? *BLEEPED OUT*!. ARGH! Being single sucks!

I apologise. I was Very drunk last night and was saying things I shouldn't of. I think thats what you call being drunk and going off on one.

Seriously Though, can't get off this women issue. Why do they have to be so complicated and annoying. I'm not even obsessed with just hot women either. I quite like my plain cute girls too. But I keep pushing people away like I'd get someone interested and then I'd run away like a man who thinks committment is a form of death. Maybe I like my single lifestyle too much.

I quite like this LiveJournal thing. After reading other peoples entries my entry seemed so self absorbed and a little trivial it's all just mememememe. So apart from my insecurities and oogling at hot women who won't give me the time of day... not that I have the bottle to ask them for the time of day, I shall talk about something on a wider scale... *pause* ... *deep breath* ... and we're back on Kho's women issues. But seriously. Hot women. C'mon.

Hey check this out it's Valentines day. As per usual no valentines for Kho.
Anyway!! It's my first entry into my livejournal. This is only temporary til I get my site back up. If you didn't know it got deleted and I can't connect to their ftp srever to upload all my stuff again so until then my diary is here!. Of course this now gives me then chance to update my site a little as it hasn't been update for a few years now. I hope the new one is gonna be cool. Theme is LifeBegins@21. Can't remember what I last wrote so lets begin from today shall we and anything recent that just happens to pop up in this entry. So yeah! here we are nite of valentines day, am in the library trying to do some work. Not going very well. Just oogling at girls who have nothing better to do on valentines day... Sigh... . Sad. Today just hasn't been a good day. From the moment I woke up I've been craving for someones company. Then I got dissed from someone about my new found skateboarding hobby. Said "a 20 year old on a skateboard, not cool". This coming from someone who drives a Peugeot 205 Convertible thats been Kev'd up. When I woke up this morning I was pretty suicidal. Got soo much work to do and just don't have the motivation to do it. That and it's valentines day. Sucky sucky for 10 dollars. Anyway much more cheerful now. My housemate has been under pressure all day cos he got back together with his girl (I think its just for valentines tho) and he's been stressed about it. Me on the other hand have no obligations and can get on with my shitty work. Made me realise that I havn't given into this commecial holiday and I didn't get a girlfriend to stress over just for valentines. I'll take looking for a girlfriend in my own pace. Tho girls have been on the brain alot recently. Parents still wondering which way I'm gonna go. Unfortunately for me I'm not interested in girls who are interested in me. Which is a bit of a problem. I think I'm the type of guy who only wants the things he can't have and am in it only for the chase. Ah well. Sounds true enough, when a girl does show interest I'm suddenly bored of this person. I get bored easily. I should come with warning labels. So apart from the non existent love life. Life in general is alright. On the verge of failing my degree. Bored I guess. Still have no direction, no idea what I wanna do next year. With this degree. *sigh. Just living life one day at a time... can't think of anything else to write at the moment. Til NExt TiMe. Chill.